This story has a special kind of awkwardness, the kind that just keeps on giving and growing in every telling. All names will be omitted to protect the guilty.
The original story took place a few months ago. There is an adjunct in our department whom I have never personally met- I'll call him G. My friend J, a fellow grad student, needed to pick some books up from G and went to meet him at his house; she'd never met him in person before. When she arrived at his house and was in the process of introducing himself, G's rambunctious 4-year-old son ran up and loudly yelled "MY DADDY HAS A BIG PENIS!" (Talk about a first impression!) J got out of there as quickly and gracefully as she could, and we had a good laugh about it later when she told me. Kids really do say the darnedest things, especially when they have anthropologists for parents.
This semester, my friends M and B are working as teaching assistants for G. A few nights ago I asked them "Did you ever hear J's story about meeting G and his kid?" They hadn't, so I told them. Mirth and merriment was enjoyed by all.
On Thursday, M and I were in line at the bagel shop with our friend K. I should mention that the bagel shop is located about 100 yards from our department building, and I do not doubt that our department could single-handedly keep them in business even if they lost every other customer. We are all ridiculously addicted to these bagels. Anyway: M, K, and I are in line, and M tells me "It was so awkward and funny during G's last lecture, I couldn't stop thinking about that story you told us!" K wanted to be let in on the fun, so I told him the story with dramatic relish. Just as I finished, M grabbed my arm and said to me in a low voice, "Oh my God, he's standing right in front of us in line!" I was too mortified to look a strange man in the face after having just publicly discussed the alleged size of his penis, so I just stared nonchalantly at the wall until M told me that he was gone. She also said that she didn't think he'd overheard us; the bagel shop was crowded and noisy in the lunch rush, and there were a few people between us and him in line, so she thought we were safe. I mentally swore a vow to never again say anything in the bagel shop that I wouldn't want to say in front of my whole department.
The crowning glory: today, pretty much the entire department assembled for a lecture by a visiting speaker. K, who is lovable and utterly tactless, took a seat near me and, looking around, asked "So, is the guy with the big penis here?" Without thinking, I responded, "I don't know, I still don't know what his face looks like."
I would need an entire bale (1) of awkward turtles to describe the true awkwardness of that moment. "Did I just say that out loud?" doesn't even begin to cover it.
My fellow grad student R, who was within earshot but hasn't heard any part of the story before, gave me such a look of shock and curiosity that I nearly exploded from the volatile combination of shame and utter hilarity. "Later," I managed to gasp. "I'll tell you later." But not in my department's building, not at the bagel shop, not anywhere on or near campus. I've sworn off telling that story in public.
Except, of course, for telling it (in an anonymized version) on the Internet. This is the last time, I swear. It ends here.
(1) I just learned that the proper name for a group of turtles is a bale. Thanks, Google.
The original story took place a few months ago. There is an adjunct in our department whom I have never personally met- I'll call him G. My friend J, a fellow grad student, needed to pick some books up from G and went to meet him at his house; she'd never met him in person before. When she arrived at his house and was in the process of introducing himself, G's rambunctious 4-year-old son ran up and loudly yelled "MY DADDY HAS A BIG PENIS!" (Talk about a first impression!) J got out of there as quickly and gracefully as she could, and we had a good laugh about it later when she told me. Kids really do say the darnedest things, especially when they have anthropologists for parents.
This semester, my friends M and B are working as teaching assistants for G. A few nights ago I asked them "Did you ever hear J's story about meeting G and his kid?" They hadn't, so I told them. Mirth and merriment was enjoyed by all.
On Thursday, M and I were in line at the bagel shop with our friend K. I should mention that the bagel shop is located about 100 yards from our department building, and I do not doubt that our department could single-handedly keep them in business even if they lost every other customer. We are all ridiculously addicted to these bagels. Anyway: M, K, and I are in line, and M tells me "It was so awkward and funny during G's last lecture, I couldn't stop thinking about that story you told us!" K wanted to be let in on the fun, so I told him the story with dramatic relish. Just as I finished, M grabbed my arm and said to me in a low voice, "Oh my God, he's standing right in front of us in line!" I was too mortified to look a strange man in the face after having just publicly discussed the alleged size of his penis, so I just stared nonchalantly at the wall until M told me that he was gone. She also said that she didn't think he'd overheard us; the bagel shop was crowded and noisy in the lunch rush, and there were a few people between us and him in line, so she thought we were safe. I mentally swore a vow to never again say anything in the bagel shop that I wouldn't want to say in front of my whole department.
The crowning glory: today, pretty much the entire department assembled for a lecture by a visiting speaker. K, who is lovable and utterly tactless, took a seat near me and, looking around, asked "So, is the guy with the big penis here?" Without thinking, I responded, "I don't know, I still don't know what his face looks like."
I would need an entire bale (1) of awkward turtles to describe the true awkwardness of that moment. "Did I just say that out loud?" doesn't even begin to cover it.
My fellow grad student R, who was within earshot but hasn't heard any part of the story before, gave me such a look of shock and curiosity that I nearly exploded from the volatile combination of shame and utter hilarity. "Later," I managed to gasp. "I'll tell you later." But not in my department's building, not at the bagel shop, not anywhere on or near campus. I've sworn off telling that story in public.
Except, of course, for telling it (in an anonymized version) on the Internet. This is the last time, I swear. It ends here.
(1) I just learned that the proper name for a group of turtles is a bale. Thanks, Google.
Second-hand embarrassment. Ha!
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